how to survive the holidays…when the holidays are really hard

Whether you’ve got bad memories, stressful associations or plain old difficulty around the holidays, you know you feel a little different than everyone else when the holiday season starts to approach.

I feel weird around the holidays, as I imagine lots of women my age do. I’ve come to face the fact that the next however many years are going to be the ones filled with questions about why I’m STILL single or how I’m liking my tedious, insignificant day job (It’s fine and I feel overwhelming existential dread, thanks for asking).

While I tense up in anticipatory stress around such tedious social rituals, I know that my feelings about the holidays are different from all of that, because I don’t get to feel some of the fuzzy, traditional feelings around the holiday season.

There are certain quintessential things associated with the holidays that make them what they are. We wouldn’t call them holidays if they were like any other day and we wouldn’t call it the “holiday season” if it were just another season. We create special occasions for no other reason than because, “why not, it’s the holidays”, or we have traditions that are reliable and familiar and have carried through generations. There’s the holy grail of the entire season: spending time with those you love.

And that’s what’s different for me. Some holidays are never lowkey or spent in the presence of all those I love. Holidays are simultaneously long-awaited and dreaded, cheerful and heartbreaking. The last just plain joyful, happy Christmas I remember is, ironically, the Christmas after my parents separated. I opened presents from family members I hadn’t connected with in a long time. I watched family hug my mom with smiles and ask her how she was doing. I still have a photo of my cousins and I all in a row peering over the couch; each of us are wearing hideous pairs of “white elephant” bunny ears. We all wear ear-to-ear grins, too.

That Christmas remains in my memory like a snapshot that fades a little more year to year. I love my family so deeply. I know they love me, too. And yet, things can’t be perfect. Sometimes they’re just hard.

A divorce can make the holidays messy. An abused past can make the holidays scary. Loss can make the holidays exhausting. At its easiest, lots of us still put up shaky, stressed walls during the holiday season, when we should be feeling our safest.

This year there’s a whole other layer on top of that usual holiday stress. If the holidays are going to be a sore spot for you, I feel you. I see you. It’s okay to not jump on the bandwagon of cheer and warmth that others might be more readily able to access. There are still ways to take the holiday season back and have a happy(er) time.

CREATE NEW TRADITIONS.

One year, circumstances were so complicated that my family and I didn’t get to attend family Christmas. We stayed home. We spent Christmas Day watching the entire first season of Game of Thrones, which had been wrapped up under the tree. Cozied up in blankets, we marveled at the end of the day how great a day it had actually been, despite the sadness that when we couldn’t see the family members we were missing. Blood and gore aside, we’d spent time with our smaller group, drinking copious amounts of hot chocolate. That was a kind-of holiday-ish thing to do, right?

The next year? We repeated the activity. That was a great Christmas, too. We were able to take a new activity, one that is decidedly not-Christmassy, and make it a special time. Don’t be afraid to make this time your own, whatever you’re doing. If it means you watch holiday movies all by yourself, that’s valid. Go you.

DO ALL THE HOLIDAY THINGS…JUST DIFFERENTLY…OR BY YOURSELF.

News Alert: there are a lot of “holiday” things you can do by yourself. You can decorate your space. You can get a Christmas tree. You can make snow angels and drink seasonal drinks and listen to festive music. You can attend services virtually (and sing as loud as you want to)!

If you have a chosen family made up of friends, you can have (a safe amount of) people over on a day before or after the actual holiday you’re celebrating. Sometimes tagging along to someone else’s celebration can feel really good, too. If you’re alone on Christmas Day, for example, in the days leading up to Christmas, check out what places might be staying open and make a plan to go get coffee to-go or support local businesses (spreading kindness and cheer everywhere you go?). Don’t forget to thank the people who are working through the holidays, too!

STRIVE TO MAKE IT SPECIAL.

In another chapter of Taylor’s Tough Christmases, my mom got called in to work on Christmas Eve. My sisters and I indignantly combed our cabinets (which, on top of everything else, happened to be pretty bare that year) and cooked ourselves a random, nontraditional Christmas feast. I think it involved chili and tomato soup. I remember we were all so determined to make the evening special, so we laid out the dining table and used fancy silverware and drank tea out of china.

This has come to be another tradition we’ve taken on. Every year we cook up a feast for 4 and I’ve started trying to create a holiday cocktail that we drink with it. Who knows, I could get really extra and make it a big thing for generations to come!

An easy tip for reclaiming this season is to make it different from other seasons of the year. Whether you decide to volunteer or tune into a service or cook yourself a delicious holiday meal for one, do something that gets you out of your everyday routine. Maybe you decide to use the fancy dining room or go on a long walk or even stay up all night. Dress up and have a one-person dance party. Do something that feels special, and you’ll feel just a little less left-out if you see or hear about everyone else’s holiday plans.

POSITIVITY AND GRATITUDE WILL TAKE YOU FAR.

If the holidays are usually tough for you, there are going to be moments when things suck. You might be alone on Christmas; you might be eating from a sparse table on Thanksgiving this year. Do your best to stay positive. Don’t dwell on the family member you have a tough or awful relationship with. Don’t focus on the other people out there who don’t even know how lucky they are. It sounds cliche, but focus on all the small, meager relationships, opportunities and belongings you DO have. The holidays are not how much we have or even how many people love us. Don’t feel as though you need to live up to society (and corporate marketing) ‘s expectations for what this season needs to look like. Hold the people you DO have close, and get festive.

I sincerely hope any of these ideas is helpful to you as we get into the holiday season. Wishing you all a peaceful time!