if you really don't want to be friends with my abuser...

trigger warning: this post mentions abuse and involves some moderate emotional content that may be triggering to survivors.

Hello friends!

I haven’t been here in awhile. The wake of the death of George Floyd here in Minneapolis has left so many things that I’ve needed to reflect on and do. I’ve been trying to continue my education and examine my internal biases.

To my surprise, a sub-topic that appears to have come about in the past weeks is abuse. I know that many women have come forward to share abuses they suffered at the hands of people in the music industry here in the Twin Cities. I also think that since so many people are, for the first time, recognizing the abuses by our society upon the oppressed, people are taking this time to purge themselves of a whole variety of toxic beliefs or actions. I’ve started to see passionate messages: graphics and social posts being shared on Instagram stories and showing on Pinterest, brand leaders addressing the topic, and even people I know well and follow sharing their perspectives. The specific messaging I’ve seen most shared is similar to the graphic below:

This message makes me feel some type of way.

While I feel like my expertise on race discourse is past-intermediate at best, I feel that solidarity among abuse survivors is a topic I should weigh in on. I do not mean to detract from any current conversations I hope we’re all having about race in America, just to suggest that if we decide we’re going to discuss other forms of abuse, that our discussion and support goes further than an Instagram story post. This is me, figuring that if abuse support is going to be a topic that people start to grab hold of as a social or cultural trend, then people should be equipped to have truly productive conversations. Because if you really want to support me when it comes to my abuser, it’s going to take more than a post.

First, to clarify: I have in my past endured emotional and verbal abuse that hinged on physical. This post isn’t a recap or “story time” of that, though I have been considering sharing more about my experience in the future.

I receive messages all the time, from friends, family and strangers, that are not only triggers for my mental health but also end up burying my experience and the ways in which I’m still affected today. So, my message for you is, if you believe abuse victims, start showing up. Being a supporter encompasses so much more than just “canceling” an abuser.

As a survivor of abuse, I’ve included some points below that I would love for you to consider as you discuss abuse and I would love if you took them with you after you’re done reading.

So, if you really don’t want to be friends with my abuser…

Stop asking me to justify my experience.

When you ask a sufferer to justify their experience, what you’re often actually asking for is a play-by-play of their most traumatic experiences. I shouldn’t need to be pressed for details in order to be credible. If you want to support me, have faith that I’m not being dishonest about what I’ve gone through. My story is not a ploy for attention and it’s dramatic because, well, it was a pretty dramatic story.

Stop making me convince you that the person you think you know is also the person who abused me.

The person you know and the person who abused me are the same person and they did these bad things, whether you saw that side of them or not. Abusers don’t necessarily abuse everyone they come into contact with.

Abusers can be upstanding citizens. Abusers can show kindness and consideration. Abusers can uphold moral beliefs and support charitable efforts.

None of these facts excuse abusive behavior.

Doubting my experience with my abuser based on your own experience is not a reliable way to consider it.

Stop telling me to do ANYTHING in the name of “being civil”.

This shows me that your first concern is a lack of tension and that my safety comes second. No, I’m not going to invite my abuser into my space or welcome them into my life just to “keep things civil”. The responsibility of peace is often placed upon victims, when they never acted in a way to warrant their abuse. Even today I am still expected to have the capacity to be self-sacrificing for the sake of literally anyone other than myself. This is unfair; my safety should always be more important to you than the appearance of niceness.

Stop suggesting to me that others have had it worse.

I know that already. But, you weren’t there when the abuse was going on, so you don’t get to quantify the intensity of my personal experience.

Stop making excuses for my abuser.

They did what they did and that shouldn’t be put on me. We all make our own choices. I can bring a horse to water and never be able to get it to take a drink. An abuser’s actions can’t be undone because of a mental illness or trauma of their own. I have yet to read the law saying that all who are abused go on to abuse others.

If you don’t want to be friends with my abuser…

I’m glad you finally got here, because you should have started to keep my abuser accountable a long time ago. But more than just unfriending them on Facebook or not talking to them anymore, what I as a survivor need from you is for you to believe me. I need you to acknowledge what I went through and not to overlook the discomfort when my experiences pop up in conversation or when I get triggered into certain behavior. I need to know that when push comes to shove, you will do what you can to be there for me and show up through your actions. I need you to stand up for me and to prioritize me, even if my abuser has money and power and affluence. Even if I am poor, young, and a female.

Lots of these messages are made to me in the moment. We often feel like we're qualified to comment freely on another without taking time to reflect on why we feel we need to say anything at all. Please be careful that you’re being someone who wants the best for me versus someone who thinks it’s exciting to insert yourself into a new situation.

Please don’t share a post and then turn around and do things that keep me in a position where I have to fight for my safety.

And that’s really my two cents in a nutshell. If anything above resonated with you, please share by social media’s means but also by discussion and reflection. My goal in sharing this is ultimately to convict you to be a stronger supporter of any abuse survivors in your life. Some great resources for more learning on abuse and mental health :

The National Domestic Violence Hotline

The National Center on Domestic Violence, Trauma & Mental Health.

Child Welfare Information Gateway

*Racism is also abusive, so I’ll ask you to please continue to examine yourself in regard to racial bias. I really love this list of resources you can check out to continue your learning that comes directly from Black Lives Matter.