On the wings of a new year comes all the shiny, brilliant potential of the things we want to accomplish. We’re able to brush off all the little failures we might have accumulated over the past 12 months, assured that this year, we’ll become a new or improved version of who we used to be. We can see it all in our heads. We’ll look better AND feel better. We’ll do ALL the things diet, exercise and beauty.

So we hastily write lists or type up memos with all the resolutions that will allow us to “live our best lives”. Yet the minute we trip over a problem en route to said resolution, it’s all over. For many of us, one missed workout or bed left unmade in the morning takes away all that potential we felt about the new year. Those with mental health or other invisible struggles might find it hard to embrace all of the outward accomplishments we feel we need to uphold when maybe just making it to 2020 was all they could do.

The high expectations that exist around resolutions can leave me feeling a little melancholy. I’m a person who holds very high standards for myself, even to the point that those standards are completely unrealistic. Still, when I don’t go on a glamorous solo trip or grow my social following by three times, it’s difficult not to feel like a failure.

This year, I think I’m saying a firm “no” to resolutions. Are there things I want to achieve? Of course. Am I going to put solid plans in place to make them happen? You bet. What I’m okay leaving behind though, are the expectations, the comparison and the tangents of negative self-talk that I know accompany resolutions. Goals are great, but our perception around them should allow for self-love in the process.

Instead of setting resolutions, I’ll do these:

MAKE A LIST OF ACCOMPLISHMENTS FROM 2019.

When we look back at the previous year, often the focus is on all the things that we didn’t like about it and that we want to change. Sometimes it’s easy to forget or downplay all of the things that we DID accomplish.

I realized that my gut reaction when someone asks how my 2019 went is to say, “Not very well. A, B, and C Bad Thing happened. I really wanted to get A, B, and C Good Thing done.” YET, when I sat down to think about what I DID accomplish, the list had some headliners that changed my mind. There are the “good on paper” things: I got my degree. I completed an internship with a dream company. I got a full-time job and paid bills and applied for health insurance. I traveled outside of the country for the first time.

Then there are the things that are decidedly normal but huge on a personal level: I did really well on a plane for 9 hours as a claustrophobe. Going over the ocean. I de-escalated panic attacks. I met guys and my phone number actually ended up in their contacts. HUGE.

If your year didn’t look a thing like this, that’s perfectly okay. Make a list of the things you did well this last year. Odds are you still did something on a public or personal level that would make me green with envy.

FORGIVE YOURSELF.

Let’s go in the opposite direction. Look over the expectations that weren’t met and the tasks that were left unfinished…and then let them go. So you didn’t accomplish everything you wanted within a calendar year? That doesn’t have to mean a thing. Our potential doesn’t have to diminish because we have to open up a new calendar or because we’ve entered a new decade.

You can go small or big here—2020 could be the year that your forgive yourself for something you did last year or 10 years ago. For me? I want to forgive myself for negative self-talk. I wasn’t always very nice to myself in 2019. If I forgive myself for that, maybe I’ll feel more capable and worthy of what I want in 2020.

CHOOSE ONE BROAD GOAL OR MANTRA.

The overall idea I wanted to keep in mind in 2019 was to get out of my comfort zone. Having one broad goal meant I had about a thousand ways to fulfill it. The big things like flying to a new place were great, but I could also be achieving my goal if I decided to come forward with an idea at work or asked someone new to grab coffee. Choosing a broad goal has the potential to impact several areas of life at once. For 2020? I haven’t decided yet. Getting out of my comfort zone worked pretty well but I know that’s a goal I really want to continue working on this year. I think it’ll have something to do with being more “out there”.

At the end of the day, we don’t have to measure our growth by society’s standards. Resolutions often lack realism. We love to say that we’ll do something in a certain amount of time because that’s how long it took another person, but newsflash: we’re all different AND we all have different things going on. Replicating another’s path is probably going to be impossible.

Things change, that’s the nature of life. It doesn’t always make sense to “stick to” a goal for an entire year because our surroundings and circumstances are phenomena that we need to adapt to. We can’t bend time to our will, so trying to rush our improvement isn’t going to work. In 2020, validate your own messy, imperfect paths to your goals as often as you can—not only at the beginning of January.